Muddling along..

I can’t quite believe it’s only 2 weeks till Christmas, it doesn’t feel festive at all despite having the tree up now and the decorations, every year I hope for some Christmas magic feeling to come along but I beginning to think it’s just not the same being an adult! I think I need to get the Christmas songs on the go, that usually does the trick!

I guess it’s hard to be festive when your sick, most of my blogs about illness recently have been private because no one likes a moaner right ?

I’ve been back to see the consultant at the hospital so will now be referred to the GI people, the pain team and have the excitement of looking forwards to a colonoscopy perhaps there will be more sedating drugs which cause some fun havoc with my mind again!

They spoke about starting me on amitriptyline as a painkiller, I’ve been on it on the higher dose as an AD and walked around like a zombie for months, it also knocks you to sleep, so maybe it would be a good drug for me to try!

I treated myself to some lovely new yarn today, it “knits” a lovely lacy scarf but it is so fiddly and time consuming! i also bought a new set of bamboo needles seen as my other ones got snapped or lost, I really need to get a knitting box (other than the falling apart cardboard Amazon box that is currently being used)

I also picked up some oil pastels and drawing paper, I am by no means artistic but I do enjoy drawing and painting so had a little play with them tonight, it might have looked like a kids picture but it kept me amused for a good 30mins and made me happy! 

I never thought I would hear myself say this but I wish mother nature would return my monthly gift, it appears to have gone missing since I became ill, I do believe it is trying to make a return due to a couple of random PMS days, or am I just a bitch hmm who knows!

Drugs

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This post is sponsored by my drug infused mind, on a good day i “only” have to take 28 pills a day on a bad day well who knows…

It’s been another average shit week of the usual pain, exhaustion and ever going depression with a couple of added in suicidal feelings for a change.

I did get to go on a cinema date last night with the BFG which was good but I suffered for it immensely today, I was exhausted and slept for 12+ hours without a single wake up which resulted in a seized up back and a rather delayed drug round.

I’m not a morning person as it is but until my meds are in my system I’m barely human so to sleep an extra 4/5 hours has a price to pay when  it comes to getting my meds in my system, of course it’s now 2am and I’m fairly awake, after spending the day trying to cure my back with conventional methods I took the diazepam and have a ridiculous amount of heat on it, it finally feels a bit better.

Here’s hoping for a reasonable week, normally the Christmas tree doesn’t go up till 12 days before but this year I think I need it to cheer me up, so I’ll be buying a new one during the week, new decorations etc. and next weekend up it will go, I need a bit of sparkle in my life just now!

 

Just not good enough….

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Do you ever feel like your just not good enough for some people ? No matter how hard you try or do you’ll never mean the same to them as they mean to you ?

After years of bad friendship choices I shut myself off to the social world and it’s only been in recent years that I let more people in, I don’t like feeling hurt and therefore don’t put myself in position where that can happen, yet here I am again.

Maybe part of it is my mental health issues but I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world that needs to be told they are loved by those close to them, how are you meant to know if you are important to a friend if they don’t tell you ?

Maybe it’s time to pull the shutter down again, I can’t deal with these types of emotions while being this ill.

I’M DONE

cup of fuckSo today is yet another event that I am missing out on, it’s Movember in the atrium at uni, I wanted to go to the last one but was too ill just as I am too ill to go today, just like I am too ill to visit friends, go shopping or do anything that involves leaving the house. Tonight I was meant to be going to an engagement party, then there’s lots of Christmas events coming up all that I will most likely miss too. I’m angry and bitter about it all, it’s not fair, why me ??

I had a good old cry on the BFG last night and spoke to the BFF on fb chat, I’ve agreed to go back to the hospital after Adams birthday, I need to get sorted but i have little hope and faith left in our national health service, if your not a clear cut case illness then you just get lost in the system, everything is about money and beds, it’s not about the patient anymore.

I wrote a 3000 word complaint last night regarding my hospital stay, I’m planning to send it to several people in order to get something done, it’s just not acceptable. I can’t go on like this any longer, the pain, the exhaustion, the swelling etc I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE!!

Another day in my life….

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Today was a bit of a shiter, I had the district nurses out last night to give me diamorphine thanks to my lovely GP who prescribed me it over the phone for my gallbladder issues. I got to spend a few blissful hours pain free for the first time since I had been discharged, this morning was so so, I had the house to myself for a few hours and watched some rubbish day time TV then tried to doze for an hour but the kittens were being noisy and I kept waking up.

After I gave up napping the pain started to appear again I also had the issue that I hadn’t been well enough to pick up my prescription for my AD’s and beta blockers so my mood was becoming viler and my anxiety was through the roof. I was worrying about being well enough to walk to pick the kids up as the BFG had my car and was caught up taking someone to the hospital. I needed my meds asap!!

The BFG eventually got back, I got the meds, the kids were home but boy the pain was wicked! The problem is I’ve tried most painkillers, at the moment I’m on DHC, paracetamol, mebeverine for pain then I have tramadol but I’ve to try not to mix them all, even when I do it doesn’t take all the pain away, the most I get it “taking the edge” off it. If I don’t get my scan results tomorrow I’m phoning the hospital again. I’m in as much pain as I was when I was admitted and discharged, I’ve thought a couple of times of getting re-admitted but I’ve lost faith in the medical profession, Perhaps it was just the ward I was in but I don’t want to go through that again, which reminds me I need to finish off my complaint letter.

So I’ve been given flucloxicillian for my kidney infection, which is most likely a result of dehydration and/or vomitting, just another bloody pill to add to the pile.

I don’t know how I “cope” with everything, do I ? What would not coping be ? People are always saying how well I’m doing and other comment saying I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t live with that, but what choice do I have, because if there is a way to get out or give up other than suicide please do tell me ? I’m not strong or amazing or great, I’m screaming away inside as my stomach feels like it has hot pokers being stabbed into it and twisted.

And strangely enough as I’ve been typing this the BFF has texted me saying how proud she is of me dealing with all this pain and pushing through the hard bits, she knows me so well, she ever said I know you think others don’t get it but she does (she has back pain troubles) I guess I’m only dealing with it till I find another option…

 

Dr’s for me in the morning I guess :(

high temp

 

I’ve been feeling hot all day but not actually been hot, guess my temp has broke out now, I was hoping to avoid antibiotics but the throbbing flank pain is getting worse even with my round the clock painkillers. With my current health state I don’t think it would be a good idea to hope it goes away on it’s own.

I was thinking earlier on about how angry I am about being ill and how one illness leads to another, like when your run down your more prone to infection or that your so ill you need to sleep all the time but by sleeping so much your missing out on fluids and end up with a kidney infection. It’s a horribly vicious circle and once your in it it becomes a maze with lots of dead ends.

As a nurse I always try to think how a patient feels and sympathise with their situation, but it’s only now as an “ill person” that I’m realising ill people feel just the same as everyone else, they do think something of taking 30 tablets a day even if they have been doing it for years, it doesn’t mean “their used to it” or when you hear that Mrs Jones now has a uti you might think “oh she gets them all the time” or “she’s always got something wrong with her” maybe they do but it might still take them by surprise, if like me they still don’t see themselves as a chronically ill person they might feel angry and wonder when it’s all going to stop.

How can patients have hope and positivity if they “give in” and assume these things will happen. If anything good has came out of this illness bout (can I still call it a bout when it’s been over a year ?!) then it will be the ability to not just sympathise with patients but empathise.

So to end this on a positive note, only 10 more mins till paracetamol time 😀