Protected: Living in the darkness

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Yesterday I fell apart, reached the limit, couldn’t take anymore…In such a way that I splattered like a puddle over the floor streaming off in many directions, some of me won’t come back, there will now be mental scars impregnated in my mind.

Illness has taken over my life in ways I could never imagine, the feelings of being trapped, dependant and useless can’t be understood by anyone unless they have been through it themselves.

There’s the pain, I’ve not been pain free for months, I’ve managed to get to the “I’m just uncomfortable now” stage but never pain free. I’ve been given all the painkillers I can, if it gets unbearable then morphine and hospital are the only options left.

Then there’s the not being able to eat which leads to a severe lack of energy, think about the most tired time you’ve ever been, then add on the flu and a sleepless night and you might be getting close, your body physically aches all the time, just going to the toilet it a huge effort, you’re constantly fighting against your eyes which want to close, never mind the social act of food or the fact that you still get hungry at times but can’t have anything other than liquid.

How would you feel if you had been told that the majority of people in your situation end up on a feeding tube, not working and needing carers.

My life as I knew it has been torn away from me and there’s no hope in sight of it getting better, I can’t go to uni, I can’t drive most of the time, I can’t look after the kids, most of my life is about resting in the hope that tomorrow will be a better day but it never is.

If you’re familiar with the spoon theory then you can relate to my energy levels just now, I’m borrowing spoons left right and centre which is resulting is some sire situations.

Yesterday I went into uni because I had my counselling appointment which even with no energy I really need just now. It was a long day for me and by the end I was physically struggling, I was dizzy and faint, my heart was racing and I had to sit down, I was sweating and disorientated and needed to get home. A misunderstanding with the BFG made me think I had to drive home that terrified me so much that I burst into tears in the middle of the atrium, I couldn’t help it, weeks of anger and pain that had built up came out.

It turned out that he did come back and stayed which was what I needed because the kids were here and I just CANNOT cope with them when I am this ill but I still have my pride, I don’t want to have to point out to people when I need help, I already feel bad enough that I NEED people to be helping me out on a practical level.

The husband has always been a practical person where as I am an emotional person but I am so grateful for his help just now, he is taking the kids every night he’s not working and coming round each day to tidy up for me and wash dishes etc., to him it’s not much but it means a lot to me, any day I’ve done the dishes it’s taken hours as I have to keep stopping and resting, a bit like this post which has taken me hours to write!

I’ve not even had the energy to phone the BFF this week which saddens me a lot,  I hate myself a lot just now and the physical ailments are dragging my mental health down bit by bit. I used to be the strong one, I used to be the fixer not the broken one lying on the floor……

There is no end

Cats and mental health



So from looking at the previous poll I am pleasantly surprised that people do not appear to mind talking about mental health issues, this is reassuring to myself as someone who constantly worries about how other interpret me and over analysis most conversations and actions of people 😉

Moving on to cats, I was never really a cat person, I used to think they were dirty animals that had evil tendencies, the BFF has always been a cat lover and over time I have came round to them, realised they are actually very clean animals and can provide entertainment and love without too much care input from the human.

When the husband moved out I got 2 18 month old cats Maggie and Oreo, unknown to myself Oreo was pregnant so 8 weeks later 4 kittens came along too! Oreo is the loving sooky one, she’s too tolerant of the girls and allows them to carry her around and treat her like a toy doll. Maggie is wiser and only comes for cuddles on her own terms, but is lovely in her own way.

The first 4 weeks after the kittens arrived you’d hardly have known they were here, they mainly stayed in their nest unless I brought them out, but now, well they have suddenly came to life and within a week have started to run, jump and explore! It’s all very entertaining and fun but also means kittens turning up in the oddest places and having to watch we don’t stand on them, I love lie there has been the odd case of a kitten scooting across the floor due to someone not noticing it but they are all still alive and well. If they can survive the youngest ones constant picking up of them and “delicate” touch they can survive anything. I’d like to say it’s so they will be used to children but none of them are going to homes with kids!

I really want to keep Moo, or CowCat depending on who you ask! S/he is so cute and well it would be wrong not to keep 1 wouldn’t it! The husband said we’re not moving back in together with 3 cats, I was thinking of re homing Maggie due to her litter tray “accidents” and fighting with her sister but it’s almost as if she’s a mind reader and has stopped this unwanted behavior. Perhaps some special favours will need to be called in so he can’t say no 😉

The cats are great for mental health, I was home alone last night which I would normally hate but having the cats keeps me company, it also means any strange noises can be blamed on the cats 🙂 

Right time to find some motivation to tidy the kitchen and sort the school clothes for the week!

Mental Health

So I am interested in peoples opinions on the discussion of mental health conditions. For many years I never told anyone about mine apart from my BFF, I was embarrassed, ashamed and very self conscious. As the years have gone on I have became more confident, learnt a lot more about my conditions and I’m pretty clued up now on what meds work for me and how to cope with the constant hurdles that depression and anxiety bring.

Also since starting my nursing degree I have became much more aware of the drive to dropping the stigma of mental health conditions and  promoting awareness of said conditions, but there are still times that I feel even people who should be fine with talking about it aren’t.

Now I’m not talking about getting into lengthily discussions or analyzing  thoughts over with people, the BFF and BGF get that privilege 😉 I’m talking about simply saying to someone “I have depression” or “Sorry I’m not feeling great today, I get really bad anxiety”

Please fill in the poll and help me find out, are we ready as a society to talk about these things openly ?

6 months pregnant ? No….Gastroparesis


This is what happens to my stomach when I eat, the above picture is 20 minutes after eating a small child size bowl of soup 😦

I’ve had digestive problems since I was a teenager and diagnosed with IBS, always more on the C side :O After I had the youngest child 5 years ago things went downhill, due to old style antidepressants they put me on because I was breastfeeding I put on 3.5 stone in A MONTH! I also sat like a zombie staring in to space most of the day, needless to say I came off them pretty quickly!

I’ve never lost the weight again and over the past year I have had lots of new symptoms such as heartburn, acid relux, cramps etc. Then this strange pain started on the right side too which landed me in hospital last month, they thought it was gallstones at first then ruled that out so did an endoscopy which showed the delayed gastric emptying (I had fasted for 14 hours and still had food in my stomach!) and a high degree of bilary reflux from the duodenum. They said this didn’t explain the pain I was in on the right hand side and didn’t give me much information on gastroparesis apart from telling me to avoid fat and fibre and started me on domperidone to increase the motility in my stomach.

So back to the hospital it was last week for the HIDA scan to check the function of my gallbladder, I’m not sure when I will find out the results, I don’t see my surgeon until January but see my GP on Monday, to be honest I’m not that worried about the pain on the right side now, it is sore when it happens but at least if it is my gallbladder then it can come out.

I just don’t know if and when I will be able to tolerate solid food again, I’ve been living off complan meal replacement drinks and yoghurts, I’ve lost about 18lbs in the past 2 weeks which is great as I have plenty to loose! but I have no energy most of the time and feel rotten. My GP suggested fitting an NG tube but I feel it’s way too soon for that kind of measure, but if I can’t even have a small bowl of soup then what chance have I got 😦

Domestic Goddess


Today was a fairly good day, I went into uni for the first time in 3 ? 4 weeks! It wasn’t for a class as I am still signed off. I had a lovely Starbucks latte with the BGF before going to a Union meeting. On my way home I knew I had 2/3 hours before the children needed to be collected from school so I stopped off at B&M to buy a new laundry basket, which as per usual cost £26 as there are so many bits and pieces in that shop that I *need* like a funky oven glove, kitchen roll….hair dye..etc. Then I popped into Asda and decided I would make soup today, since becoming ill the children have been living on quick and easy to make foods like french toast or pizza! So while I had some energy (thanks to the 4 coffees!) I went for it.

The front pot is butternut squash and lentil and the back one is leek and potato, I’m hoping if I blend them to an inch of their life I will be able to have some too, seriously I’m not a milkshake fan anyway so this complan mix is becoming harder and harder to stomach! I used to make soup twice a week when I did Slimming World, wow I really miss eating real food :/

I don’t want to get ahead of myself but the children have all came home in a reasonable mood and the house has not been messed up yet, dare I say this may be a good day ?!

You never know, maybe I’ll even get the iron out tonight, or not..