Yesterday I fell apart, reached the limit, couldn’t take anymore…In such a way that I splattered like a puddle over the floor streaming off in many directions, some of me won’t come back, there will now be mental scars impregnated in my mind.
Illness has taken over my life in ways I could never imagine, the feelings of being trapped, dependant and useless can’t be understood by anyone unless they have been through it themselves.
There’s the pain, I’ve not been pain free for months, I’ve managed to get to the “I’m just uncomfortable now” stage but never pain free. I’ve been given all the painkillers I can, if it gets unbearable then morphine and hospital are the only options left.
Then there’s the not being able to eat which leads to a severe lack of energy, think about the most tired time you’ve ever been, then add on the flu and a sleepless night and you might be getting close, your body physically aches all the time, just going to the toilet it a huge effort, you’re constantly fighting against your eyes which want to close, never mind the social act of food or the fact that you still get hungry at times but can’t have anything other than liquid.
How would you feel if you had been told that the majority of people in your situation end up on a feeding tube, not working and needing carers.
My life as I knew it has been torn away from me and there’s no hope in sight of it getting better, I can’t go to uni, I can’t drive most of the time, I can’t look after the kids, most of my life is about resting in the hope that tomorrow will be a better day but it never is.
If you’re familiar with the spoon theory then you can relate to my energy levels just now, I’m borrowing spoons left right and centre which is resulting is some sire situations.
Yesterday I went into uni because I had my counselling appointment which even with no energy I really need just now. It was a long day for me and by the end I was physically struggling, I was dizzy and faint, my heart was racing and I had to sit down, I was sweating and disorientated and needed to get home. A misunderstanding with the BFG made me think I had to drive home that terrified me so much that I burst into tears in the middle of the atrium, I couldn’t help it, weeks of anger and pain that had built up came out.
It turned out that he did come back and stayed which was what I needed because the kids were here and I just CANNOT cope with them when I am this ill but I still have my pride, I don’t want to have to point out to people when I need help, I already feel bad enough that I NEED people to be helping me out on a practical level.
The husband has always been a practical person where as I am an emotional person but I am so grateful for his help just now, he is taking the kids every night he’s not working and coming round each day to tidy up for me and wash dishes etc., to him it’s not much but it means a lot to me, any day I’ve done the dishes it’s taken hours as I have to keep stopping and resting, a bit like this post which has taken me hours to write!
I’ve not even had the energy to phone the BFF this week which saddens me a lot, I hate myself a lot just now and the physical ailments are dragging my mental health down bit by bit. I used to be the strong one, I used to be the fixer not the broken one lying on the floor……
I’ve known from a young age I wanted to be a mother and have 3-5 children, on days like this I am glad I stopped at 3!
I am a pretty laid back mother when it comes to what I allow, I’m also not a believer in shouting at kids, I will raise my voice and change my tone but shouting in my opinion just encourages them to shout (believe me it takes a lot of restraint to NOT shout!).
Tonight the youngest child decided to throw a tantrum at bedtime over a drawing her sisters friend had made, said child is normally very sweet and well behaved but every few months she has a horrendous tantrum which involves screaming, hitting and crying.
In recent months I’ve became better at handling negative behavior but when I am ill and in a lot of pain I have a very short fuse.
Luckily my painkillers are kicking in now and I feel slightly calmer.
In some respects I am lucky, my children are never in trouble at school and are pretty sensible and grounded but they do argue A LOT when they are in the house, life in here consists of lots of shouting between them with a couple of wallops and the odd kick too, but outside the house or when visitors are here they are very good!
At the end of the day the times you see all those firsts or when they wrap their arms around you and tell you they love you make it all worth it 🙂
Some people say I put my kids first too much, it was one of the reasons I separated with my husband, because he felt I always put them first, but it’s an instinct for me, it would feel wrong to have it any other way.
I’m so glad I’ve started a career for myself again after being a stay at home mum for over 8 years, because otherwise I think I would feel lost when the kids grow up and move out. Saying that even as a stay at home mum I did a night class, an voluntary job and an Open University course.
I have been thinking recently though that I do need to find more of “me”, get some hobbies & take some time for myself even if it’s just spending that spare hour painting my nails instead of doing something kid/house related task.
I love my children more than words can describe, I also tell them this every day and hug them, not every parent is physically and emotionally affectionate, some just assume their child will know they love them, but that itself is not always true either ❤