Drugs

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This post is sponsored by my drug infused mind, on a good day i “only” have to take 28 pills a day on a bad day well who knows…

It’s been another average shit week of the usual pain, exhaustion and ever going depression with a couple of added in suicidal feelings for a change.

I did get to go on a cinema date last night with the BFG which was good but I suffered for it immensely today, I was exhausted and slept for 12+ hours without a single wake up which resulted in a seized up back and a rather delayed drug round.

I’m not a morning person as it is but until my meds are in my system I’m barely human so to sleep an extra 4/5 hours has a price to pay when  it comes to getting my meds in my system, of course it’s now 2am and I’m fairly awake, after spending the day trying to cure my back with conventional methods I took the diazepam and have a ridiculous amount of heat on it, it finally feels a bit better.

Here’s hoping for a reasonable week, normally the Christmas tree doesn’t go up till 12 days before but this year I think I need it to cheer me up, so I’ll be buying a new one during the week, new decorations etc. and next weekend up it will go, I need a bit of sparkle in my life just now!

 

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Yesterday I fell apart, reached the limit, couldn’t take anymore…In such a way that I splattered like a puddle over the floor streaming off in many directions, some of me won’t come back, there will now be mental scars impregnated in my mind.

Illness has taken over my life in ways I could never imagine, the feelings of being trapped, dependant and useless can’t be understood by anyone unless they have been through it themselves.

There’s the pain, I’ve not been pain free for months, I’ve managed to get to the “I’m just uncomfortable now” stage but never pain free. I’ve been given all the painkillers I can, if it gets unbearable then morphine and hospital are the only options left.

Then there’s the not being able to eat which leads to a severe lack of energy, think about the most tired time you’ve ever been, then add on the flu and a sleepless night and you might be getting close, your body physically aches all the time, just going to the toilet it a huge effort, you’re constantly fighting against your eyes which want to close, never mind the social act of food or the fact that you still get hungry at times but can’t have anything other than liquid.

How would you feel if you had been told that the majority of people in your situation end up on a feeding tube, not working and needing carers.

My life as I knew it has been torn away from me and there’s no hope in sight of it getting better, I can’t go to uni, I can’t drive most of the time, I can’t look after the kids, most of my life is about resting in the hope that tomorrow will be a better day but it never is.

If you’re familiar with the spoon theory then you can relate to my energy levels just now, I’m borrowing spoons left right and centre which is resulting is some sire situations.

Yesterday I went into uni because I had my counselling appointment which even with no energy I really need just now. It was a long day for me and by the end I was physically struggling, I was dizzy and faint, my heart was racing and I had to sit down, I was sweating and disorientated and needed to get home. A misunderstanding with the BFG made me think I had to drive home that terrified me so much that I burst into tears in the middle of the atrium, I couldn’t help it, weeks of anger and pain that had built up came out.

It turned out that he did come back and stayed which was what I needed because the kids were here and I just CANNOT cope with them when I am this ill but I still have my pride, I don’t want to have to point out to people when I need help, I already feel bad enough that I NEED people to be helping me out on a practical level.

The husband has always been a practical person where as I am an emotional person but I am so grateful for his help just now, he is taking the kids every night he’s not working and coming round each day to tidy up for me and wash dishes etc., to him it’s not much but it means a lot to me, any day I’ve done the dishes it’s taken hours as I have to keep stopping and resting, a bit like this post which has taken me hours to write!

I’ve not even had the energy to phone the BFF this week which saddens me a lot,  I hate myself a lot just now and the physical ailments are dragging my mental health down bit by bit. I used to be the strong one, I used to be the fixer not the broken one lying on the floor……

There is no end

Mental Health

So I am interested in peoples opinions on the discussion of mental health conditions. For many years I never told anyone about mine apart from my BFF, I was embarrassed, ashamed and very self conscious. As the years have gone on I have became more confident, learnt a lot more about my conditions and I’m pretty clued up now on what meds work for me and how to cope with the constant hurdles that depression and anxiety bring.

Also since starting my nursing degree I have became much more aware of the drive to dropping the stigma of mental health conditions and  promoting awareness of said conditions, but there are still times that I feel even people who should be fine with talking about it aren’t.

Now I’m not talking about getting into lengthily discussions or analyzing  thoughts over with people, the BFF and BGF get that privilege 😉 I’m talking about simply saying to someone “I have depression” or “Sorry I’m not feeling great today, I get really bad anxiety”

Please fill in the poll and help me find out, are we ready as a society to talk about these things openly ?

6 months pregnant ? No….Gastroparesis

 

This is what happens to my stomach when I eat, the above picture is 20 minutes after eating a small child size bowl of soup 😦

I’ve had digestive problems since I was a teenager and diagnosed with IBS, always more on the C side :O After I had the youngest child 5 years ago things went downhill, due to old style antidepressants they put me on because I was breastfeeding I put on 3.5 stone in A MONTH! I also sat like a zombie staring in to space most of the day, needless to say I came off them pretty quickly!

I’ve never lost the weight again and over the past year I have had lots of new symptoms such as heartburn, acid relux, cramps etc. Then this strange pain started on the right side too which landed me in hospital last month, they thought it was gallstones at first then ruled that out so did an endoscopy which showed the delayed gastric emptying (I had fasted for 14 hours and still had food in my stomach!) and a high degree of bilary reflux from the duodenum. They said this didn’t explain the pain I was in on the right hand side and didn’t give me much information on gastroparesis apart from telling me to avoid fat and fibre and started me on domperidone to increase the motility in my stomach.

So back to the hospital it was last week for the HIDA scan to check the function of my gallbladder, I’m not sure when I will find out the results, I don’t see my surgeon until January but see my GP on Monday, to be honest I’m not that worried about the pain on the right side now, it is sore when it happens but at least if it is my gallbladder then it can come out.

I just don’t know if and when I will be able to tolerate solid food again, I’ve been living off complan meal replacement drinks and yoghurts, I’ve lost about 18lbs in the past 2 weeks which is great as I have plenty to loose! but I have no energy most of the time and feel rotten. My GP suggested fitting an NG tube but I feel it’s way too soon for that kind of measure, but if I can’t even have a small bowl of soup then what chance have I got 😦

Pain

I am currently in a lot of pain, I am reaching my limit to when i start to become delirious, I am already crabby and if anyone else was in the house I would be snapping and swearing at them just now.

Chronic severe pain is deliberating, imagine a headache for instance, you take some painkillers and usually feel better, but what would you do if they didn’t help, the pain just got worse and it was still there the next day and the day after and after that….

Between my back problems my stomach problems and now my gallbladder problems it’s been rare that I’ve had a day in the last year that I’ve not been in pain. Occasionally there are days where the pain is at a lesser “normal” level.

But how would you cope if pain was crippling your life, stopping you from carrying out your day to day activities, preventing you from leading a normal life, seeing your friends, going to work, what would you do if it got to the level where you needed help to look after yourself.

You would “cope” because there is no other choice, I don’t feel like I cope, people tell me I am a strong person but I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and worthless and a disappointment.

If you don’t already suffer from mental health problems your more than likely going too, it will be very hard for your friends to understand the impact pain has on your life until they have experienced this for themselves.

If your lucky you will have good friends who will come to visit you and help you out, but there will be many who simply forget about you, stop inviting you to parties or nights out because you’ve had to say no so many times before, little do they know that it’s the thought that counts or that there may just be that one night where you could come and it would do you the world of good. They don’t do it on purpose it’s simply the way the human mind works sadly.

Many people will feel like they are hitting their head off a brick wall with their Dr or hospital, pain is a hard thing to describe, throbbing, stabbing, achy etc can describe the type of pain but there no way for Dr’s to measure the severity of the pain apart from your word.

Sometimes I am made to feel like a wimp, then I have a think about it, i gave birth to 3 children naturally, 2 of them being inductions with a hormone drip to make the contractions harder with just gas and air, I do have a high pain tolerance, so if I say it’s 10/10 then it is 10/10!

People who live with chronic pain and illness have little positivity in their lives at times, so the next time you are having a party or a social gathering please don’t skip past there people, they probably won’t be able to come but the fact that you still thought about them and invited them regardless can do wonders for their self esteem and moral.

I shall end it on that note as I go in search of some alternative form of pain relief as I’ve maxed out on all pharmacological medicines for today .Image

Enter at your own risk

ImageA new blog has been a long time coming, my mind is becoming too chaotic for facebook and twitter, my ramblings shall appears here from now on, I miss the good old livejournal days…

I’m not your ‘average’ “normal” person, I have mental health problems, my physical health is not too great either, you might not understand me, but I am me, those few who are allowed to let in to my world are my everything, I love them more than I love me…