Muddling along..

I can’t quite believe it’s only 2 weeks till Christmas, it doesn’t feel festive at all despite having the tree up now and the decorations, every year I hope for some Christmas magic feeling to come along but I beginning to think it’s just not the same being an adult! I think I need to get the Christmas songs on the go, that usually does the trick!

I guess it’s hard to be festive when your sick, most of my blogs about illness recently have been private because no one likes a moaner right ?

I’ve been back to see the consultant at the hospital so will now be referred to the GI people, the pain team and have the excitement of looking forwards to a colonoscopy perhaps there will be more sedating drugs which cause some fun havoc with my mind again!

They spoke about starting me on amitriptyline as a painkiller, I’ve been on it on the higher dose as an AD and walked around like a zombie for months, it also knocks you to sleep, so maybe it would be a good drug for me to try!

I treated myself to some lovely new yarn today, it “knits” a lovely lacy scarf but it is so fiddly and time consuming! i also bought a new set of bamboo needles seen as my other ones got snapped or lost, I really need to get a knitting box (other than the falling apart cardboard Amazon box that is currently being used)

I also picked up some oil pastels and drawing paper, I am by no means artistic but I do enjoy drawing and painting so had a little play with them tonight, it might have looked like a kids picture but it kept me amused for a good 30mins and made me happy! 

I never thought I would hear myself say this but I wish mother nature would return my monthly gift, it appears to have gone missing since I became ill, I do believe it is trying to make a return due to a couple of random PMS days, or am I just a bitch hmm who knows!

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Drugs

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This post is sponsored by my drug infused mind, on a good day i “only” have to take 28 pills a day on a bad day well who knows…

It’s been another average shit week of the usual pain, exhaustion and ever going depression with a couple of added in suicidal feelings for a change.

I did get to go on a cinema date last night with the BFG which was good but I suffered for it immensely today, I was exhausted and slept for 12+ hours without a single wake up which resulted in a seized up back and a rather delayed drug round.

I’m not a morning person as it is but until my meds are in my system I’m barely human so to sleep an extra 4/5 hours has a price to pay when  it comes to getting my meds in my system, of course it’s now 2am and I’m fairly awake, after spending the day trying to cure my back with conventional methods I took the diazepam and have a ridiculous amount of heat on it, it finally feels a bit better.

Here’s hoping for a reasonable week, normally the Christmas tree doesn’t go up till 12 days before but this year I think I need it to cheer me up, so I’ll be buying a new one during the week, new decorations etc. and next weekend up it will go, I need a bit of sparkle in my life just now!

 

Pain

I am currently in a lot of pain, I am reaching my limit to when i start to become delirious, I am already crabby and if anyone else was in the house I would be snapping and swearing at them just now.

Chronic severe pain is deliberating, imagine a headache for instance, you take some painkillers and usually feel better, but what would you do if they didn’t help, the pain just got worse and it was still there the next day and the day after and after that….

Between my back problems my stomach problems and now my gallbladder problems it’s been rare that I’ve had a day in the last year that I’ve not been in pain. Occasionally there are days where the pain is at a lesser “normal” level.

But how would you cope if pain was crippling your life, stopping you from carrying out your day to day activities, preventing you from leading a normal life, seeing your friends, going to work, what would you do if it got to the level where you needed help to look after yourself.

You would “cope” because there is no other choice, I don’t feel like I cope, people tell me I am a strong person but I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and worthless and a disappointment.

If you don’t already suffer from mental health problems your more than likely going too, it will be very hard for your friends to understand the impact pain has on your life until they have experienced this for themselves.

If your lucky you will have good friends who will come to visit you and help you out, but there will be many who simply forget about you, stop inviting you to parties or nights out because you’ve had to say no so many times before, little do they know that it’s the thought that counts or that there may just be that one night where you could come and it would do you the world of good. They don’t do it on purpose it’s simply the way the human mind works sadly.

Many people will feel like they are hitting their head off a brick wall with their Dr or hospital, pain is a hard thing to describe, throbbing, stabbing, achy etc can describe the type of pain but there no way for Dr’s to measure the severity of the pain apart from your word.

Sometimes I am made to feel like a wimp, then I have a think about it, i gave birth to 3 children naturally, 2 of them being inductions with a hormone drip to make the contractions harder with just gas and air, I do have a high pain tolerance, so if I say it’s 10/10 then it is 10/10!

People who live with chronic pain and illness have little positivity in their lives at times, so the next time you are having a party or a social gathering please don’t skip past there people, they probably won’t be able to come but the fact that you still thought about them and invited them regardless can do wonders for their self esteem and moral.

I shall end it on that note as I go in search of some alternative form of pain relief as I’ve maxed out on all pharmacological medicines for today .Image