I’M DONE

cup of fuckSo today is yet another event that I am missing out on, it’s Movember in the atrium at uni, I wanted to go to the last one but was too ill just as I am too ill to go today, just like I am too ill to visit friends, go shopping or do anything that involves leaving the house. Tonight I was meant to be going to an engagement party, then there’s lots of Christmas events coming up all that I will most likely miss too. I’m angry and bitter about it all, it’s not fair, why me ??

I had a good old cry on the BFG last night and spoke to the BFF on fb chat, I’ve agreed to go back to the hospital after Adams birthday, I need to get sorted but i have little hope and faith left in our national health service, if your not a clear cut case illness then you just get lost in the system, everything is about money and beds, it’s not about the patient anymore.

I wrote a 3000 word complaint last night regarding my hospital stay, I’m planning to send it to several people in order to get something done, it’s just not acceptable. I can’t go on like this any longer, the pain, the exhaustion, the swelling etc I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE!!

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Another day in my life….

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Today was a bit of a shiter, I had the district nurses out last night to give me diamorphine thanks to my lovely GP who prescribed me it over the phone for my gallbladder issues. I got to spend a few blissful hours pain free for the first time since I had been discharged, this morning was so so, I had the house to myself for a few hours and watched some rubbish day time TV then tried to doze for an hour but the kittens were being noisy and I kept waking up.

After I gave up napping the pain started to appear again I also had the issue that I hadn’t been well enough to pick up my prescription for my AD’s and beta blockers so my mood was becoming viler and my anxiety was through the roof. I was worrying about being well enough to walk to pick the kids up as the BFG had my car and was caught up taking someone to the hospital. I needed my meds asap!!

The BFG eventually got back, I got the meds, the kids were home but boy the pain was wicked! The problem is I’ve tried most painkillers, at the moment I’m on DHC, paracetamol, mebeverine for pain then I have tramadol but I’ve to try not to mix them all, even when I do it doesn’t take all the pain away, the most I get it “taking the edge” off it. If I don’t get my scan results tomorrow I’m phoning the hospital again. I’m in as much pain as I was when I was admitted and discharged, I’ve thought a couple of times of getting re-admitted but I’ve lost faith in the medical profession, Perhaps it was just the ward I was in but I don’t want to go through that again, which reminds me I need to finish off my complaint letter.

So I’ve been given flucloxicillian for my kidney infection, which is most likely a result of dehydration and/or vomitting, just another bloody pill to add to the pile.

I don’t know how I “cope” with everything, do I ? What would not coping be ? People are always saying how well I’m doing and other comment saying I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t live with that, but what choice do I have, because if there is a way to get out or give up other than suicide please do tell me ? I’m not strong or amazing or great, I’m screaming away inside as my stomach feels like it has hot pokers being stabbed into it and twisted.

And strangely enough as I’ve been typing this the BFF has texted me saying how proud she is of me dealing with all this pain and pushing through the hard bits, she knows me so well, she ever said I know you think others don’t get it but she does (she has back pain troubles) I guess I’m only dealing with it till I find another option…