Drugs

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This post is sponsored by my drug infused mind, on a good day i “only” have to take 28 pills a day on a bad day well who knows…

It’s been another average shit week of the usual pain, exhaustion and ever going depression with a couple of added in suicidal feelings for a change.

I did get to go on a cinema date last night with the BFG which was good but I suffered for it immensely today, I was exhausted and slept for 12+ hours without a single wake up which resulted in a seized up back and a rather delayed drug round.

I’m not a morning person as it is but until my meds are in my system I’m barely human so to sleep an extra 4/5 hours has a price to pay when  it comes to getting my meds in my system, of course it’s now 2am and I’m fairly awake, after spending the day trying to cure my back with conventional methods I took the diazepam and have a ridiculous amount of heat on it, it finally feels a bit better.

Here’s hoping for a reasonable week, normally the Christmas tree doesn’t go up till 12 days before but this year I think I need it to cheer me up, so I’ll be buying a new one during the week, new decorations etc. and next weekend up it will go, I need a bit of sparkle in my life just now!

 

Another day in my life….

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Today was a bit of a shiter, I had the district nurses out last night to give me diamorphine thanks to my lovely GP who prescribed me it over the phone for my gallbladder issues. I got to spend a few blissful hours pain free for the first time since I had been discharged, this morning was so so, I had the house to myself for a few hours and watched some rubbish day time TV then tried to doze for an hour but the kittens were being noisy and I kept waking up.

After I gave up napping the pain started to appear again I also had the issue that I hadn’t been well enough to pick up my prescription for my AD’s and beta blockers so my mood was becoming viler and my anxiety was through the roof. I was worrying about being well enough to walk to pick the kids up as the BFG had my car and was caught up taking someone to the hospital. I needed my meds asap!!

The BFG eventually got back, I got the meds, the kids were home but boy the pain was wicked! The problem is I’ve tried most painkillers, at the moment I’m on DHC, paracetamol, mebeverine for pain then I have tramadol but I’ve to try not to mix them all, even when I do it doesn’t take all the pain away, the most I get it “taking the edge” off it. If I don’t get my scan results tomorrow I’m phoning the hospital again. I’m in as much pain as I was when I was admitted and discharged, I’ve thought a couple of times of getting re-admitted but I’ve lost faith in the medical profession, Perhaps it was just the ward I was in but I don’t want to go through that again, which reminds me I need to finish off my complaint letter.

So I’ve been given flucloxicillian for my kidney infection, which is most likely a result of dehydration and/or vomitting, just another bloody pill to add to the pile.

I don’t know how I “cope” with everything, do I ? What would not coping be ? People are always saying how well I’m doing and other comment saying I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t live with that, but what choice do I have, because if there is a way to get out or give up other than suicide please do tell me ? I’m not strong or amazing or great, I’m screaming away inside as my stomach feels like it has hot pokers being stabbed into it and twisted.

And strangely enough as I’ve been typing this the BFF has texted me saying how proud she is of me dealing with all this pain and pushing through the hard bits, she knows me so well, she ever said I know you think others don’t get it but she does (she has back pain troubles) I guess I’m only dealing with it till I find another option…

 

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Yesterday I fell apart, reached the limit, couldn’t take anymore…In such a way that I splattered like a puddle over the floor streaming off in many directions, some of me won’t come back, there will now be mental scars impregnated in my mind.

Illness has taken over my life in ways I could never imagine, the feelings of being trapped, dependant and useless can’t be understood by anyone unless they have been through it themselves.

There’s the pain, I’ve not been pain free for months, I’ve managed to get to the “I’m just uncomfortable now” stage but never pain free. I’ve been given all the painkillers I can, if it gets unbearable then morphine and hospital are the only options left.

Then there’s the not being able to eat which leads to a severe lack of energy, think about the most tired time you’ve ever been, then add on the flu and a sleepless night and you might be getting close, your body physically aches all the time, just going to the toilet it a huge effort, you’re constantly fighting against your eyes which want to close, never mind the social act of food or the fact that you still get hungry at times but can’t have anything other than liquid.

How would you feel if you had been told that the majority of people in your situation end up on a feeding tube, not working and needing carers.

My life as I knew it has been torn away from me and there’s no hope in sight of it getting better, I can’t go to uni, I can’t drive most of the time, I can’t look after the kids, most of my life is about resting in the hope that tomorrow will be a better day but it never is.

If you’re familiar with the spoon theory then you can relate to my energy levels just now, I’m borrowing spoons left right and centre which is resulting is some sire situations.

Yesterday I went into uni because I had my counselling appointment which even with no energy I really need just now. It was a long day for me and by the end I was physically struggling, I was dizzy and faint, my heart was racing and I had to sit down, I was sweating and disorientated and needed to get home. A misunderstanding with the BFG made me think I had to drive home that terrified me so much that I burst into tears in the middle of the atrium, I couldn’t help it, weeks of anger and pain that had built up came out.

It turned out that he did come back and stayed which was what I needed because the kids were here and I just CANNOT cope with them when I am this ill but I still have my pride, I don’t want to have to point out to people when I need help, I already feel bad enough that I NEED people to be helping me out on a practical level.

The husband has always been a practical person where as I am an emotional person but I am so grateful for his help just now, he is taking the kids every night he’s not working and coming round each day to tidy up for me and wash dishes etc., to him it’s not much but it means a lot to me, any day I’ve done the dishes it’s taken hours as I have to keep stopping and resting, a bit like this post which has taken me hours to write!

I’ve not even had the energy to phone the BFF this week which saddens me a lot,  I hate myself a lot just now and the physical ailments are dragging my mental health down bit by bit. I used to be the strong one, I used to be the fixer not the broken one lying on the floor……

There is no end

Mental Health

So I am interested in peoples opinions on the discussion of mental health conditions. For many years I never told anyone about mine apart from my BFF, I was embarrassed, ashamed and very self conscious. As the years have gone on I have became more confident, learnt a lot more about my conditions and I’m pretty clued up now on what meds work for me and how to cope with the constant hurdles that depression and anxiety bring.

Also since starting my nursing degree I have became much more aware of the drive to dropping the stigma of mental health conditions and  promoting awareness of said conditions, but there are still times that I feel even people who should be fine with talking about it aren’t.

Now I’m not talking about getting into lengthily discussions or analyzing  thoughts over with people, the BFF and BGF get that privilege 😉 I’m talking about simply saying to someone “I have depression” or “Sorry I’m not feeling great today, I get really bad anxiety”

Please fill in the poll and help me find out, are we ready as a society to talk about these things openly ?

Paranoia

Mental health problems can be just as bad or worse than having physical illness.

For 10 years I have had major clinical depression and  anxiety, it’s most likely going to be with me for life, paranoia is something that happens a lot. Tonight’s paranoia is regarding friendship and a fear of friends being annoyed with me or fed up of me.

Like many people I don’t have a high opinion of myself, I know I am kind and caring in nature and I do tend to be over generous is some areas in fear of loosing people but often my mind goes round in vicious circles of convincing myself people don’t like me and find me weird and don’t actually want to be my friend.

Sometimes I can nip the paranoia in the bud if I notice it happening but other times my mind gets carried away and I end up having a full blown fall out with a friend in my head because I’m so annoyed about the situation.

For me paranoia ties in closely with social anxiety, my social anxiety has improved vastly over the past 3-5 years but there is always the odd bad day when it creeps up again and sends me off in to panic attack mode. There are no magic pills for mental health illnesses, I am on medication for both depression and anxiety but they do not fix you, they simply give you to tools to help yourself, it’s hard work and there are days where I think wow life is such an effort, why does everything need to be so hard ?

At the end of the day you have to work hard to make your life worth something, this is what makes you a stronger person.