Just not good enough….

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Do you ever feel like your just not good enough for some people ? No matter how hard you try or do you’ll never mean the same to them as they mean to you ?

After years of bad friendship choices I shut myself off to the social world and it’s only been in recent years that I let more people in, I don’t like feeling hurt and therefore don’t put myself in position where that can happen, yet here I am again.

Maybe part of it is my mental health issues but I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world that needs to be told they are loved by those close to them, how are you meant to know if you are important to a friend if they don’t tell you ?

Maybe it’s time to pull the shutter down again, I can’t deal with these types of emotions while being this ill.

I’M DONE

cup of fuckSo today is yet another event that I am missing out on, it’s Movember in the atrium at uni, I wanted to go to the last one but was too ill just as I am too ill to go today, just like I am too ill to visit friends, go shopping or do anything that involves leaving the house. Tonight I was meant to be going to an engagement party, then there’s lots of Christmas events coming up all that I will most likely miss too. I’m angry and bitter about it all, it’s not fair, why me ??

I had a good old cry on the BFG last night and spoke to the BFF on fb chat, I’ve agreed to go back to the hospital after Adams birthday, I need to get sorted but i have little hope and faith left in our national health service, if your not a clear cut case illness then you just get lost in the system, everything is about money and beds, it’s not about the patient anymore.

I wrote a 3000 word complaint last night regarding my hospital stay, I’m planning to send it to several people in order to get something done, it’s just not acceptable. I can’t go on like this any longer, the pain, the exhaustion, the swelling etc I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE!!

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Yesterday I fell apart, reached the limit, couldn’t take anymore…In such a way that I splattered like a puddle over the floor streaming off in many directions, some of me won’t come back, there will now be mental scars impregnated in my mind.

Illness has taken over my life in ways I could never imagine, the feelings of being trapped, dependant and useless can’t be understood by anyone unless they have been through it themselves.

There’s the pain, I’ve not been pain free for months, I’ve managed to get to the “I’m just uncomfortable now” stage but never pain free. I’ve been given all the painkillers I can, if it gets unbearable then morphine and hospital are the only options left.

Then there’s the not being able to eat which leads to a severe lack of energy, think about the most tired time you’ve ever been, then add on the flu and a sleepless night and you might be getting close, your body physically aches all the time, just going to the toilet it a huge effort, you’re constantly fighting against your eyes which want to close, never mind the social act of food or the fact that you still get hungry at times but can’t have anything other than liquid.

How would you feel if you had been told that the majority of people in your situation end up on a feeding tube, not working and needing carers.

My life as I knew it has been torn away from me and there’s no hope in sight of it getting better, I can’t go to uni, I can’t drive most of the time, I can’t look after the kids, most of my life is about resting in the hope that tomorrow will be a better day but it never is.

If you’re familiar with the spoon theory then you can relate to my energy levels just now, I’m borrowing spoons left right and centre which is resulting is some sire situations.

Yesterday I went into uni because I had my counselling appointment which even with no energy I really need just now. It was a long day for me and by the end I was physically struggling, I was dizzy and faint, my heart was racing and I had to sit down, I was sweating and disorientated and needed to get home. A misunderstanding with the BFG made me think I had to drive home that terrified me so much that I burst into tears in the middle of the atrium, I couldn’t help it, weeks of anger and pain that had built up came out.

It turned out that he did come back and stayed which was what I needed because the kids were here and I just CANNOT cope with them when I am this ill but I still have my pride, I don’t want to have to point out to people when I need help, I already feel bad enough that I NEED people to be helping me out on a practical level.

The husband has always been a practical person where as I am an emotional person but I am so grateful for his help just now, he is taking the kids every night he’s not working and coming round each day to tidy up for me and wash dishes etc., to him it’s not much but it means a lot to me, any day I’ve done the dishes it’s taken hours as I have to keep stopping and resting, a bit like this post which has taken me hours to write!

I’ve not even had the energy to phone the BFF this week which saddens me a lot,  I hate myself a lot just now and the physical ailments are dragging my mental health down bit by bit. I used to be the strong one, I used to be the fixer not the broken one lying on the floor……

There is no end

Pain

I am currently in a lot of pain, I am reaching my limit to when i start to become delirious, I am already crabby and if anyone else was in the house I would be snapping and swearing at them just now.

Chronic severe pain is deliberating, imagine a headache for instance, you take some painkillers and usually feel better, but what would you do if they didn’t help, the pain just got worse and it was still there the next day and the day after and after that….

Between my back problems my stomach problems and now my gallbladder problems it’s been rare that I’ve had a day in the last year that I’ve not been in pain. Occasionally there are days where the pain is at a lesser “normal” level.

But how would you cope if pain was crippling your life, stopping you from carrying out your day to day activities, preventing you from leading a normal life, seeing your friends, going to work, what would you do if it got to the level where you needed help to look after yourself.

You would “cope” because there is no other choice, I don’t feel like I cope, people tell me I am a strong person but I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and worthless and a disappointment.

If you don’t already suffer from mental health problems your more than likely going too, it will be very hard for your friends to understand the impact pain has on your life until they have experienced this for themselves.

If your lucky you will have good friends who will come to visit you and help you out, but there will be many who simply forget about you, stop inviting you to parties or nights out because you’ve had to say no so many times before, little do they know that it’s the thought that counts or that there may just be that one night where you could come and it would do you the world of good. They don’t do it on purpose it’s simply the way the human mind works sadly.

Many people will feel like they are hitting their head off a brick wall with their Dr or hospital, pain is a hard thing to describe, throbbing, stabbing, achy etc can describe the type of pain but there no way for Dr’s to measure the severity of the pain apart from your word.

Sometimes I am made to feel like a wimp, then I have a think about it, i gave birth to 3 children naturally, 2 of them being inductions with a hormone drip to make the contractions harder with just gas and air, I do have a high pain tolerance, so if I say it’s 10/10 then it is 10/10!

People who live with chronic pain and illness have little positivity in their lives at times, so the next time you are having a party or a social gathering please don’t skip past there people, they probably won’t be able to come but the fact that you still thought about them and invited them regardless can do wonders for their self esteem and moral.

I shall end it on that note as I go in search of some alternative form of pain relief as I’ve maxed out on all pharmacological medicines for today .Image