Just not good enough….

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Do you ever feel like your just not good enough for some people ? No matter how hard you try or do you’ll never mean the same to them as they mean to you ?

After years of bad friendship choices I shut myself off to the social world and it’s only been in recent years that I let more people in, I don’t like feeling hurt and therefore don’t put myself in position where that can happen, yet here I am again.

Maybe part of it is my mental health issues but I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world that needs to be told they are loved by those close to them, how are you meant to know if you are important to a friend if they don’t tell you ?

Maybe it’s time to pull the shutter down again, I can’t deal with these types of emotions while being this ill.

Paranoia

Mental health problems can be just as bad or worse than having physical illness.

For 10 years I have had major clinical depression and  anxiety, it’s most likely going to be with me for life, paranoia is something that happens a lot. Tonight’s paranoia is regarding friendship and a fear of friends being annoyed with me or fed up of me.

Like many people I don’t have a high opinion of myself, I know I am kind and caring in nature and I do tend to be over generous is some areas in fear of loosing people but often my mind goes round in vicious circles of convincing myself people don’t like me and find me weird and don’t actually want to be my friend.

Sometimes I can nip the paranoia in the bud if I notice it happening but other times my mind gets carried away and I end up having a full blown fall out with a friend in my head because I’m so annoyed about the situation.

For me paranoia ties in closely with social anxiety, my social anxiety has improved vastly over the past 3-5 years but there is always the odd bad day when it creeps up again and sends me off in to panic attack mode. There are no magic pills for mental health illnesses, I am on medication for both depression and anxiety but they do not fix you, they simply give you to tools to help yourself, it’s hard work and there are days where I think wow life is such an effort, why does everything need to be so hard ?

At the end of the day you have to work hard to make your life worth something, this is what makes you a stronger person.